If you're around me enough, you hear the back and forth that I mentally go through of why people are the way they are. I whole-heartedly understand that you can't change people or don't expect people to treat you how you treat them. Sometimes it frustrates me because I feel like a child or something is wrong with me when people don't love me the way that I love them. Even saying it out loud, none of it makes sense or sounds so vague. Let me break this down for you:
I have this thing where I absolutely love each and every one of my friends and family members. Big families call for bigger drama sometimes, but I truly wish each and every one of them the best and want everyone to get along. That never happens, of course, but I do my part to show them that I love them and care for them as much as I can. Sometimes my life story is on a different page than another family member and that's ok. For them, however, they don't see it that way. The higher up I go on this makeshift pedestal that people keep putting me on, the more family I lose, the more friends I lose, or the more people try to kick me off this make-believe pedestal that I never wanted to be on. *sigh* I know I'm rambling. Keep sticking with me.
I keep my circle small... or at least I try to. I went through a lot of my life watching people come in and out my life. This has nothing to do with "daddy issues" even though you know that's a fraction of it. I love whole-heartedly and it always pretty much sets me up for failure when it comes to life relationships. I stress a lot on why people say they'll do one thing and never follow through. I stress on trying to find the happy medium on what I can do to make sure everyone is ok and situated when I know I'm not even on their mind as they go through their day. *sigh* I guess, I never just realized how much it impacted me until recent. I like to do life reflections. It helps me remember where I've came from. It helps me strive towards these measurable life goals that I've set up for myself. It helps me see how I'm growing and evolving.
This time it showed me that, I'm ok. As stressed out as I can get about all of this, I'm ok. I shall continue to love whole-heartedly. I just need to stop hyping up these life relationships and interactions so that I'm not so let down all the time. I have to learn how to be ok with that part. My mom used to always say, "Not everyone is you Ashley". Many times I used to ask, "But, why?" I'd joke that the world would be so much happier and full of love if everyone would just be like me even a little bit. That obviously isn't how any of this works. Is it the technology that ruins relationships nowadays? It it the continuous sweeping of problems under the rug that my family loves to do? What is it? Why do people contact me and say they want to visit me but don't? Why do people visit Las Vegas and don't contact me at all? Neither one is any better by the way. But then, I mention that I'll be visiting Chicago for the first time in 9 years, and I'm selfish because I planned a girls trip with my friends and all I want to do is show JAM the most beautiful city in the world. I'm selfish because I didn't want to spend my one chance spending time in "my city" driving 1.5 hours to one family's house and having another family complain that I've yet to see them. Next thing you know it, I didn't get to visit the pier like I wished. You know, two of my brothers were even in town this past weekend for a bachelor party. When the oldest always visits, we have the usual quick burger meet up and he goes back to whatever reason he's in town. It's always enough though. This time two of my three brothers came in to town. The second oldest messaged me and said he hasn't seen me in forever and wants to make sure we meet. Ok. He happened to call to ask for a favor. We tried to make it happen, but the favor didn't work out. Oddly enough, the communication stopped after that. I chalked it up to the bachelor party festivities. I can't help but ask, why contact me and hype up the meet up for you to not even follow through? Who knows.
*sigh* I giggle when I hear JAM talk to his friends about his grandparents. Both of my parents remarried and so did Mahal's. JAM has endless grandparents. Today is Father's Day. Any father in my contact list knows to expect a "Happy Father's Day!' text from me. Eventually I will go down the list and call most of them as well. Today, I spoke to my step dad, I spoke to Mahal's step dad and I spoke to Mahal's dad. It still was bummy as I scrolled past my dad's name in the contact list. I debate every holiday if I should at the very least text him, but I remind myself that it's not healthy for me to have that relationship in my life. It sucks, but it's for the best. My dad liked something on my social media (he doesn't actually follow me) and it kind of infuriated me because it seemed seemed so passive aggressive. Mahal tried to justify that maybe he misses me, which was more mind-boggling to hear. I tried to play devil's advocate and think that maybe that's his way of showing his love...liking a photo of mine. It might not be the way I'd want to be shown affection, but he never was a man to know how to love. No. Don't overthink it. It was nothing more than a like of a photo. No hidden agendas. It was probably just straight boredom. You see, my mind wonders though. It wanders and I hate it!
Mahal's step dad said something to me today that helped me come at peace with all this chaos this week. He said, "Reach out to everyone you care for and love them whole-heartedly as you always do because you never want people to have the ability to change the wonderful person you are. If they don't reciprocate the love, f*ck 'em. Appreciate the ones that continuously show up and don't worry about the ones who rarely do".
He's right! This post goes out to all of you amazing ones! I had such great conversations with the three dads I spoke to today that I didn't even think about not talking to my dad-dad. My step dad has been the father I've always longed for and I tell him all the time. I even gained two more dads from Juan that always makes sure we're ok. I have siblings that are hella flaky, but I have my sister who always calls to make sure I'm ok even though I know she's always not. I have an awesome mom that is always ready to fight the world when I tell her all these things, but she knows that all I need is reassurance that I'm ok and life goes on. These people always know the right things to say. They lead by words and action and I'm grateful for that stability.
You know, I told certain family members that Mahal and I considered switching our wedding to another location. Most of them sounded inconvenienced or responded negatively. I told our friends here and without hesitation, they already started planning what they were going to do at the new destination. That's what real families do. Support you no matter what. Family and friends are supposed to be there to uplift you every chance they get. I say it all the time that I try to surround myself around like-minded people so that we can rise to the top together. I say that I'm allergic to drama, but sometimes the more I try to avoid it, the more people want to drag me in it. That's ok though. I know where I want to be in life and who sticks around. Thank you to all my amazing friends who make life fun. To the friends who I call family, I love you more than you'll ever know. Thanks to all the family members that reciprocate the love that I adore. Thank you to everyone else that checks in to make sure I'm ok. Family doesn't always mean blood, and even though my trusted circle is small, just know that I notice and I appreciate you. Last but not least, thank you to my love for always being my rock and the one constant I know I can always count on.
