Tuesday, September 11, 2012

To Spank or Not To Spank?

This seems like a question that has been brought up for years. Before I get started, everything that I say is MY PERSONAL OPINION. To each is own. Whether you spank your child or not that is up to you. I feel that there is no wrong or right answer to the situation and I'm always open to everyone's thoughts. I just ask that you be respectful of others if you decide to provide your input on the topic.

I grew up in a household where even though my parents were divorced since I was 5 years old, both of them spanked my little sister and I whenever we got in trouble. Sometimes it would be a spanking with the hand, sometimes with a slipper, or sometimes even with a belt. Talking to some of my peers that wasn't uncommon for us kids growing up. Now that I have a son of my own I went back and forth with the idea of spanking. I never wanted to instill fear in my children like I felt my parents liked. I've heard them a few times express that fear = obedience, and I feel that there are other ways to get the point across than make your children fear you. If you read this and it sounds like I'm on both sides of the fence with the idea, it's only because I'm still trying to figure out what works haha. I see both sides of the argument and so far it seems there's no clear winner when it comes to my son. I never spanked my son until probably he was toddler age. I would slap his hands or spank him on his butt lightly with my hand whenever he acted out and wouldn't listen after talking to him and/or putting him in time out. I learned that the time out thing worked real well until about the age of 4. I implemented the technique that they used in his preschool of having a calming time rather than the normal time out. I would send him to a designated corner for him to calm down and he was allowed to leave the area whenever he was ready to talk. If he still wasn't calm I'd send him right back and kept doing this until we actually talked about the situation calmly. Then he turned 4 and I feel like he lost his mind.
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He started throwing horrible tantrums by trying to hit, throwing things in his room, pouting, stomping, everything you can think of. I tried the calming time, I tried reasoning with him, I tried taking things away as punishment, and then I spanked him. I low key cried the first time I legit spanked him on the butt. I felt so bad but somehow it worked! He stopped acting the way he did after that one spanking. He tested the waters once in awhile, but I'll warn him that he'll get spanked if he didn't stop and that was the end of it. It wasn't until one day around Valentine's Day where I was trying to define the meaning of "love" where I questioned the methods of spanking. One thing I said about love was that you don't want to hurt the people you love. This is where the conversation made a turn where JAM immediately made a comment that caught me off guard.

JAM: "But you and daddy hit me."

ME: "What?! no we don't."

JAM: " Yes you do, when I get in trouble you hit me."

ME: "No we spank you when you get in trouble....." wait.

Crap! my son was technically right! How do you explain to a 4 year old the difference?! I honestly tried my best to explain the difference and he looked and me like I was crazy so we just stopped talking about it. I promised his that I would never spank him again as long as he listened to my words since the only time he seems to listen is after he ends up getting spanked. He agreed. However, this arrangement lasted until his was halfway through Kindergarten. I don't know if it's what he picked up at school or from the older kids, but he started back up with the tantrums X 10 and he started talking back as well! I warned him that if he didn't stop that I'd start spanking him since he's not listening to my words, but he didn't care. JAM is 6 years old now and in 1st grade and I think I've only spanked him 2-3 times since then. I decided that I'd walk away and we'd both cool down and we talk about the situation in a calm fashion instead of all the yelling and spanking. Sometimes it works, sometimes he gets things taken away. I ended up spanking him when his acting out got really bad and nothing else was getting through to him. I don't know. Clearly I go back and forth with it, but I personally don't like doing it. I thought that all this attitude stuff would come around when he was like 13 NOT 5. I love my son. There's no doubt about it, but what do you do when you've tried everything and the kids still don't respond? I even read that certain areas are considering banning spanking.
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What do you think? Should spanking be banned or should it be the parents choice?


21 comments:

  1. I agree with the article..i don't think there's anything wrong with spanking..especially when the child acts out

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  2. To spank but only sometimes, sometimes you need to get their attention or you'll be yelling to much, or be too soft. Either way messes with the kid in the long way no to mention the bible says if you spare the rod you spoil the child and the tod of correction drives foolishness away. You can actually google it. That's why I live the bible, in times of indecision, the HOLY SPIRIT minds you of scriptures you read and I'm telling you, it talks about EVERYTHING!!!!

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  3. I think it's absurd that spanking could be banned - noone has the right to tell parents how they can discipline their children! Each child is different, and so this may be an effective method of discipline for some in certain situations.

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    1. They're saying that spanking is too gray an area between discipline and abuse. However, I agree with you. To each is own and the law shouldn't step in when it comes to discipline. If you're leaving cuts and bruises on your kids that's clearly abuse.

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    2. I guess the part I don't agree w/ is that there's a gray area - I think a parent knows when they've crossed the line past discipline. I think it's great if u don't ever need to spank ur child as long as they're effectively being disciplined somehow, which I see a lot of parents fail to do.

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  4. I haven't had to spank my daughter (who is 5 now) but I have seen some kids that probably need spanked, who knows, maybe they just need better parenting.

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    1. Yea like I said this is where I go back and forth with the situation. I try other methods and sometimes my son doesn't respond to anything but the spanking. I'm definitely open to alternative methods if course but i'm not one to just brush off bad behavior

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    2. I think all kids and parents are different so its so hard to say/judge what others might do. My husband and I were both spanked and we have no issues from it so ...

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  5. I was spanked, and I am fine =D However, I do have negative memories and associations with it.

    Made the decision to raise my kids spanking free. It's challenging to do it, but there are alternatives. It's all about how committed parents are to maintaining patience and being consistent.

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  6. Just to chime in...where I live in new Zealand, spanking is against the law. So, in some places, it is already banned.

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    1. How do you feel about it being banned? Has it always been like that or have you ever grown up being spanked?

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    2. I have only lived here for 2 years but I don't think it was always like that. Not sure, but I think it's crazy.

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    3. that's interesting btw. never knew some places already ban spanking. i wonder what alternative methods they use or i'd like to see the difference in children's personalities and attitudes compared to here hehe. i'm curious now if it truly is that drastic of a change banned or not.

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    4. Honestly I believe the police really just deal w the cases that need to be dealt with. If your child was about to run in front of a moving car and you grabbed them and spanked their butt, and you got reported, I'm sure you wouldn't be standing in court for spanking. That's my understanding anyway.

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    5. They don't fear. Maybe they should fear the consequence.

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  7. I think it is crazy to ban spanking. It is the parents choice. I was spanked and turned out well and respectful. IMO kids are much more worse behaved now than I have ever seen. Is that b/c less are spanked? I don't know, but sure is coincidental. Discipline, no matter how you do it needs to be consistent, that is the key.

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  8. There are no consequences anymore. I cant tell you how many times ive been out to restaurants where kids are standing ON the table, screaming and yelling and the parents are negotiating, pleading and bribing the kids to stop acting like horrors. Parents need to be parents, not friends. I was spanked when I deserved it and you better believe I had a healthy fear of my parents and other authority figures... and my daughter will too.

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    1. agreed. my parents fear tactics were NOT healthy lol. Legit til this day i still 100% fear my father if he gets mad. I'm 24 and I'll still cry like a sappy little baby if he yells at me for whatever reason lol. I don't want it to be like that with my kids. I don't want them flinching at my every little movement. How I discipline my son is definitely not abuse. What my parents did to me was abuse lol. It's not funny but I think some of you ladies get what I mean.

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  9. Depends. Sometimes corporal punishment is the only thing that works. Example. Ground my daughter she will act right. Ground my son and he develops a case of smart mouth.Spank him and he is straight for about 90 days.

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  10. I was never spanked as a child and don't spank my child. For us it has always worked to explain why. I never spank.. He is 7 and I have put him in timeout three times in his life (all when he was younger).. It has worked for us. At playgroups etc when other kids aren't minding, mine always does. He has never hit another child and listens to me the first time I ask him to do something. We have always taken the time to explain things instead of saying "because I said so" and I think that has made a big difference. This is what works for my family everyone decides the route they take but for us spanking is off the table.

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    1. ooh i wish my son would just listen to my words haha. i try to hard to speak calmly to him and explain things but he just whines and pouts =p

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I love reading all your thoughts and comments!