Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Without a Dad

They say that a dad is a little girl's first love. So much that people say that your future husband tends to reflect certain aspects of your father. But, what do you do when you didn't grow up with a father? Who do you make the comparisons to? I always wonder if "dads" realize the impact they make on their child's life whether or not they're apart of their lives. This is not to say that I didn't know who my father was. My dad actually lives in Las Vegas just like me. I even lived with him for a little bit. Talking to people who are in similar situations than me, however, it seems that we all have something in common. We always wonder what they're up to and cling on to the good memories we have with our father. Obviously all cases vary, but it seems that even though you could have all this pent up anger and resentment towards your father, they'll still always be DAD.
{via}

You would think that you'd be used to living in this type of scenario. Growing up with a single parent. But I'm already 24 years old and I can admit that it still bothers me time and time again. I look at my son and I couldn't imagine not being a part of his life. Mahal agrees. I think the thing that messes with me the most the the "drop-in dad". You know, the kind of father that pops in as he pleases, getting his kids hopes up, buys their love and then leaves again. Don't you realize how traumatic things like that are. It can taint a kid! Single parenting seems to be more and more common as the divorce rate doubles more and more every year. I feel that if you want to be an actual parent to your child, it has to be an all or nothing kind of deal. Also, Moms don't bash their dads. Let them learn for themselves. That's the only way they'll learn in the end run.

EVERYONE and I mean everyone used to tell me things about my father, but he was still my dad and I figured he'd never do those things to me. Then, I lived with him and grew up a little and saw it all for myself. I have my own judgement about my father but only I could do that for myself. On the flip side, Moms, if dad wants to be a part of your child's life and he's taking the right steps to do so, LET HIM BE A PART OF THEIR LIVES! Just because you two couldn't work it out doesn't mean you can't put personal feelings aside for the sake of the kids! Even though he couldn't be a great partner to you doesn't necessarily mean he can't be a great father to his kids. The two don't always overlap.

I'm not saying that a kid needs a mom and a dad to have the kid live to their fullest potential. I'm just saying if you decide to take on the roll of a parent, give it 110%. Dropping in their lives when you feel the time is right for YOU is just as good as not coming around at all. I see kids who their dad isn't involved at all and they sit there and wonder about them. Then I see kids who know who their dad is but still sit there and wonder about them. Your kids deserve better. Make the effort. Don't buy their love. It's only good for the moment and you're only deepening the emotional damage. Call you kids. Tell them you love them. Hug them tight. Care. Be involved. There's nothing harder out there in the world than to be a parent, but your kids will love you and thank you for it in the end run.




10 comments:

  1. My dad dropped out when I was young, and it broke my heart. I remember being in grade school, and my mom let me choose a ring, and my choice was one with his birthstone that I wore for years as a talisman, hoping that someday he'd love me the way I wanted. My memories of visiting are of being dropped off with other family members, or, much worse, being dropped off with my sister somewhere, then waiting for him to pick us up hours later, not having a way to contact him, terrified that he might not come.

    When I was 13, I refused to visit him anymore. I knew I deserved better. I still managed to choose a first boyfriend who was just like my father. It took a lot of friends pointing it out for me to begin to listen. Then it took years of work to fix myself, so that I could choose a husband who is very dissimilar to my father. My father was not invited to our wedding.

    As an adult, I can see that he loved me as well as he could, but it wasn't enough. And I am so grateful that my mom moved us far away from him, and that, despite everything he put her through, she never said bad things about him or let anyone say bad things about him around me and my sister. We were allowed to come to our own conclusions, in our own time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i definitely feel your pain on that. My dad used to make promises time and time again to just break them, so I made a promise to myself that I would never do that to my son. I'm grateful that the person I decided to have children with was NOTHING like my father and he's a great father to our son. I do remember though waiting for his phone calls and even now that we live in the same city I wished that he would step up at least for his grandson. I've learned to accept it just like you and know he'll never change. I like how you said "he loved me as well as he could, but it wasn't enough". I think that perfectly sums it all up. Thanks for sharing your story!

      Delete
  2. My relationship with my father was very fragmented for years. Lots of broken promises and many days of crying. When I got older I was able to understand that he had mental issues that prevented him from being the father I needed. I will always be thankful that the year he passed was one of the good years, where we were on speaking terms. I was able to say goodbye and that I loved him and mean it. I am at peace now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. although it wasn't what you wanted, i'm happy to hear that you guys ended on good terms. I think that's best since that'll be a GOOD memory that you can carry on with you for the rest of your life and you both can hopefully be at peace.

      Delete
  3. wow, sounds like my dad, but i will gladly allow him to "buy" my love lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol it's fun for the moment but it used to make me mad once he disappeared because you can tell his thought process, "oh, i just took em shopping! i'm good on my dad duty for about 2 years"....grr

      Delete
    2. I know the feeling especially since he has "another family"

      Delete
    3. yea, that's what frustrates me the most. he has a girlfriend and she has kids and he seems more attentive to them that his blood. i never understood that.

      Delete
  4. My dad passed away when i was 15 months old. Of course i 'met' him, but i don't remember. My mom never remarried and dedicated her life to raising me and my older brother. This is always a tough one for me. One part of me wants to say at least u have some sort of memory of the two of u together and u know he is alive, but then i know it must also b a horrible experience to know your dad is in the same town but makes no effort to b in your life. In my situation, id say b grateful for the memories you have, the time u have gotten to spend with him, and i hope something changes. I would give anything in the world to just have one memory with my dad...going to a park, playing, cuddling, even just a memory of what his hug felt like, or the sound of his voice. But i have nothing, just a few pictures and his things my mom has kept for 25 years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I definitely feel for you and see your point of view. I think there's a gray area to the situation. Cuz initially i'd feel like is it better to have a crappy dad or no dad at all. Then i meet people who their dad wanted nothing to do with t
      hem and they always wonder about them, or i meet people like you who's dads passed before they could even create a memory and long for them. i guess my final thought would be, if you get the opportunity to be a dad then be one. Everyone wants to be loved at the end of the day. in my personal opinion i think i'd rather stick to the great stories my family would have told me about my passing father than have a dad who's alive and know that he gives his kids the feeling like they're not wanted or an inconvenience. it like kills the "dream". Then again, i've never been in your shoes though. Thanks so much for sharing your story and sorry for your loss. Not the same but i feel that same way about my grandfather. Everyone has fun stories to share about him but he passed right before i was born.

      Delete

I love reading all your thoughts and comments!