Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Sex Talk

Being one of the older cousins in the family, I have teen cousins confiding in me about many high school "dilemmas". One thing that seems to be a common topic is sex. I've always told my little cousins that they can always come to me for anything, especially if they can't talk to their parents about it, BUT this was definitely one topic that caught me off guard. It also got me thinking about my little one. So my question to parents out there, when is a good age to talk to kids about sex? How much do you tell them? Do you use scare tactics or do you just try to talk about it in general (no specifics)?
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My parents never physically sat me down and had "the sex talk" with me, but I kind of always knew about it simply because it's in the high school air. I had friends that were sexually active already freshman year of high school or sometimes even sooner. I noticed that nowadays kids are becoming sexually active earlier in life, not only because of peer pressure, but because they think it's cool to lose the "V card" as soon as possible. THIS worries me. Just walking around JAM's elementary school (which only goes up to 5th grade) I hear kids talking about boyfriends and giving hickies. I know every generation is different, but I swear in 4th-5th grade I was only worried about recess and cootie shots NOT getting a hickey. Yeah, I probably had a couple crushes here and there but the thoughts about boys never went anywhere past that.
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Talking to some of my cousins, I realized that their knowledge about the subject of sex was about the same. They know OF the topic of sex and the general idea about it, but they didn't comprehend the extent of possible consequences or how to protect themselves properly. THAT was scary to me and after that, I was kind of happy they came to talk to me so I can talk to them about it and answer any questions they had openly. I want to say that I'll be just as open when JAM (hopefully) approaches me or Mahal about the topic, but let's just take it day by day.

I think the biggest concern about teens being sexually active is the possibility of teen pregnancy as an outcome. However, I don't think parents focus enough on other aspects such as STDs and protection as well. When I was talking to my cousins, the things they were saying were similar to my thoughts about sex at that age. Most of the knowledge came from movies and friends, with the random scare tactics of health class and push for abstinence. I wasn't very sexually active in high school, but I don't think abstinence is realistic. It's ideal, but not realistic. See the difference?
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 All of this is all personal opinion of course. To each is own and that's exactly why I asked all those questions to intro this blog post because I'm very open to everyone's opinion and arguments about the topic. I personally think knowledge is power though. I wouldn't approve of my little cousins having sex in high school, but at the same time I want them to be knowledgeable about it all just in case. Better safe than sorry right? Being from the perspective of a teen mom, I don't think there's a right way per say on how to address the topic. I remember in health class we'd walk into class every day with a disgusting photo of someone's STD on the projection screen and our health teacher basically telling us "DON'T HAVE SEX!" They also had teen moms come in to speak to us about teen pregnancy, but every year I felt that they always chose worst case scenarios such as moms with children who have disabilities or who are homeless. Yes, those scenarios are completely possible, but it was just hard for me to take them seriously as a teen since they didn't feel so relatable to me.
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In health class they also told us about the forms of contraception available for both boys and girls, but they never explained how to actually use it properly for the fear that parents may think the school is condoning teenage sex. I feel that this is where high schools make a mistake by not thoroughly teaching the subject of sex. My boy cousin assumed it was ok to keep a condom in his wallet because he always saw it in the movies and on TV and his friends were doing it. In reality, that's not a great way to store protection. As Mahal puts it, it's like trying to store a big bag of potato chips in your clutch purse. You're squeezing all the air out of the packaing and damaging the condom. My cousin had no idea. He didn't even know that there were different sizes and types and that it's necessary to choose the right one to make it effective. Yes, he knew that magnums were for the well endowed but that's as far as his knowledge went!

Both my boy and girl cousins surprisingly knew about the Plan B pill, but didn't realize that there were risks to taking this pill consistently. I have a few 20+ year old friends that use this pill as a form of contraception, but it's called an EMERGENCY pill for a reason. Both of my cousins were still questioning the pull out method. FYI, it doesn't work! I still have friends that still swear by this but IT DOESN'T WORK! Plus, that doesn't protect you from STDs, which by the way, they didn't know that some of those diseases were for life. I guess that was kind of understandable. I remember going into health class and the teacher would show you a picture of the nastiest form of that specific STD and tell you how it burns and oozes and wear a condom, don't have sex, blah blah blah. They didn't know you can take your partner to get tested with them and how important the testing is especially if you know your partner was very sexually active previous to being with you. They didn't know that you're required to tell people you have a certain STD before having intercourse or you can get in a lot of trouble. The list went on and on.
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I felt good having an open and honest conversation with them about it all. They naturally see my day to day life since I've given birth to JAM so they know how hard it was for me to raise him at 18 years old: the sleepless nights, the fighting because the stress level was to the max, the financial hardships, etc. I was fortunate enough that Mahal stood by my side, but many teen parents aren't so lucky to have the support I did. Regardless, with two parents or not, being a parent in general is hard so you can imagine trying to be a kid yourself AND a parent. I think after talking to them I feel more comfortable introducing this info to JAM little by little as he matures. I feel comfortable explaining all the risks and consequences and most of all, prevention. Here's a STD reference that I used to speak with my cousins. In addition, there's so many references that you can use to find out about different forms of contraception. Some adults don't even know all the possible forms of contraception out there. It does branch out farther than just condoms for men and birth control pills for women. Here's a few references to help out with that:

*Birth control for women

*Birth control for men & women

So, how do you plan handle the topic of "the birds and the bees" with your child?


9 comments:

  1. Alex isn't 4 yet, but I still consider that we've started talking to him about sex. Not sex itself yet, but when he asks, we tell him the proper names for things. We're trying for a second, and he said when he was a big boy he was going to grow a baby in his belly, so we had a bit of a talk about how only girls can do that. I know my mom just answered questions as I had them over the year. She never sat down and had "the talk" with me. I think it was easier for both of us that way.

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    1. Yea, I like the idea of introducing things over the years in general conversation. I think I'd feel awkward if my mom ever sat me down and was like "let's talk about the birds and the bees" haha. JAM would start asking questions about his body and answered all the questions he had. We've also gone as far as making sure he knows that it's HIS body and talked about inappropriate touching etc. even with mommy and daddy. no means NO and stop means STOP. this was a very important lesson for me to teach my kids early on. We've also done the gender differentiation just like you too. JAM has asked what are tampons (since he's learning how to read) and I generally explain the use without trying to traumatize him haha.

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  2. My kids are 3 1/2 and 6 months so I'm not there yet. My opinion now is to be honest but age appropriate. Giving only necessary details depending on age. My son is only interested in his own body right now so that's all we have really discussed and that everyone has private parts.

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    1. yea i've done the same with my son. My son is about to be 6 in a couple days and his own body is the only thing he's worried about for the most part. The only things he's asked about were the tampon topic i mentioned above and he asked why i had to wear a bra lol.

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  3. My little man is only 2, so we aren't there, but I plan on handling things the same way my mom did. We make sure to teach him the correct names for parts, and I will answer questions in an age-appropriate but honest that way and try to keep the communication always open so that he and his brother on the way know they can talk to us and ask any questions they have. My mom did at one point give me a book and have a "talk" with me, but it was more about going through puberty than about sex, as we had been very open about that from day 1.

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    1. that reminded me how my mom checked out a few americal girl books for me as a tween to read all about puberty and stuff. Good tip. I feel that it's a little odd for me since I have a son. I know all about birth control and girl puberty lol. I have know clue what to say to my son about condoms and other boy stuff. Luckily he has his dad to talk to about those things but I know Mahal, he won't go into detail about stuff and the proper precautions lol.

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  4. It was great to go through your post. Thanks for sharing here. Keep up the good work.

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  5. I love this post, and as it seems abstinence is impossible in this day in age, but you know I didn't have sex until I was basically out of my teenage years and the only reason was because I stepped away from GOD. People often say, "I'm not religious" or they have been turned off by other Christians so they dare not cross that path but in this wicked day and age we must not look at anyone else hypocrisy and find our own place in GOD. I wrote a story on my blog called You Don't Love Your Kids. I realized I was slacking as a parent. I could possibly look my daughter in her eyes and tell her I loved her yet not teach her to pray before she eats, or teach her all I could about GOD. Since I came to that realization, I take every opportunity and I pray the GOD reminds me to instill his values. You cant possible raise children who will do the right things without the values of GOD being built on a foundation of GOD. Like the saying if you stand for nothing you fall for anything only you can stand on anything that is important to you and do anything in the name of anything you love but without GOD's law it is impossible to stand strong enough. First I am going to try and built a great foundation on the precepts and laws that are in the bible because I know they are true. Whenever I stray away from GOD my life goes up in smoke which coincidentally is a promise/common theme in the bible. This evil world and it's media put on shows glorifying sex, when in all actuality it is nothing like they make it seem on tv, it's consequences are worse than seen on tv, it brings so much other drama, and pregnancy, tho we love are children, is not worth the sex. I would suggest for you, seeking GOD and prayer if you haven't tried this already. It's like we've tried everything else, why not try GOD. I don't know what your personal relationship or feelings about GOD are but I would love to know a little more. He is the only GOD I know who convicts even children to follow him, and he is all you really need. Then you can give bibles to your little cousins and tell them they can find all the answers to all lifes questions. I started my journey with GOD in 6th grade and I know kids even younger than this who love him. We cant possibly raise children in this day and age without the help and stability of GOD. Sorry my comments always tend to get very long, its like I can just talk about GOD forever :)

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