Freshman Year

 I wish my son knew how much he means to me. How desperately I want to give him the world. How I never want him to suffer EVER. This parenting thing is hard. We all know this and we are all told this the moment the child is born. I knew the high school years were going to be tough. I just didn't realize I'd be so detached from my baby. I feel like we're in such different worlds as much as I try to talk to him and build the trust as much as I could over the years. I try to properly communicate, but we just end up both frustrated in the end.  

I look at pictures from his toddler years and wonder if I was ever too tough. If my discipline was too much. If my urge for him to be great was too overwhelming. I wonder if he understood/understands how much he's loved....even when we butt heads. I just want to show him his greatness so bad but as what cost? It's so hard to find that balance of just letting him live and grow too. I try not to mimic all the things I hated growing up. However, at the same time, it's all I know. It's the only main reference for parenting as crappy as it is sometimes. 

JAM, if you ever find this post one day, please know that I love you with all my heart. I pray for you every day and I pray for me to be the best mom for you. I know growing up is tough. We've been there too. You get your stubborn passion from Daddy and I. I get it. I just hope you know that I'm doing my best even though you don't see it or understand it right now. I completely understand I'm nowhere close to perfect.....but I'm TRULY trying. I'm not just an a-hole for sh*ts and giggles. I'm tough on you because I want you to stay focused. I was you to achieve all the amazing things I know you're SO capable of. 

It's tough too when Mahal and I have SUCH different views on raising him. We argue a lot more that usual nowadays. We're trying to work through this crazy parenting thing too while to try to remain on the same "team". 

I know it will get better, but for now, I miss my baby. 

P.S. I HATE YOU COVID.